Thursday, May 7, 2009

How to be a top blogger

I was posted a question in my chatbox on how to be a top blogger. Very subjective, but had a thinker about it and thought the answers are actually pretty interesting. So here goes ...

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1. Post indecent pictures of politicians or sons of politicians

Whether the pictures are genuine or photoshoped, it doesnt matter just make them look real (Pictures are taken from http://www.gutteruncensored.com/)

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Tip #2: Find a picture of a politician exposing some midrift skin (which is absolutely normal & nothing controversial). So go to a porn site and look for a picture of a prositute posing on a bedsheet that is similiar to the politician's (or you can always photoshop the bedsheet) and post both the pictures on your blog and link them up.

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Gutteruncensored (formerly known as gutterpost) is one of the most popular blogs read by Malaysians. I guess the general population of Malaysia is pretty sexually deprived due to practising very conservative cultures. This can be proven by the top sought for keyword on Google from citizens of Kelantan, which are predominantly Malays. The keyword is 'SEX'.

So in summary, write about sex - make sure you have at least 100 'sex' words on every blog posting, take or find naked pictures of women (preferably with pink nipples) and try and relate them to Malaysian politicians or something. Then bingo, you will be top blogger in no time, money back guarantee.
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2. Create controversy

Acuse the Prime Minister / King / General / President of your country for being involved in a murder of a beautiful woman, sign a statutory declaration to give your claim a boost and take no bribes. Even if its USD5million + 42 virgins at your pleasure.

If you get locked-up for any reason, go on a food strike and let hundreds of people gather in protest for you.

Look controversial, sound controversial (you can start by calling yourself by your initials), and make everything that is typed out of your fingers controversial to the general Malaysian population.
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mt.m2day.org or Malaysia Today is visited by millions of Malaysian netizens. One of the most, if not the most, popular blogs in Malaysia which is authored by a Malaysian.

Pls do this at your own responsibility

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3. Rule the country for min 20 years, pass it on to an incapable succesor (preferably someone who falls asleep easily) and criticize the hell out of him. And not to forget his son-in-law (whos preferably an Oxford graduate) - just throw corruption charges at him and make his every success look like it was bribed.


Then you will also own a top blog in Malaysia like http://www.chedet.com/ . Claimed to be read by more than 2million Malaysians. It is authored by our ex-PM Mahathir Mohamad.
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The top 3 are ways to get into TIER 1 (min 1 million visitors / month)
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The following 2 will bring you to TIER 2 (min 10,000 visitors / day)
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4. Be a funny and likeable character- Make funny parodies (of the jaiho dance for example), Create funny ads (like walk into a McD store dressed up as Sadam Hussein), Touch boobs of transverts and blog about it or even do a horny pose in a POOH outfit.
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http://www.kennysia.com/ will be a good reference for you.
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5. Modify yourself, whether its make-up or plastic surgery, and make all your features the dream come true features - the features that girls will die for and guys will climb a mountain and swim across a sea to touch
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And you know, do the Hollywood stuff - carry a puppy in your hands, put on some MJ sunnies, expose min 1/2 your boobs and 95% of your thighs.
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Once in a while, pick a fight with the most popular blogger in town. Pick a fight so big it fucking involves lawyers and shit. Just bitch the hell out of her and make it sound like she fucks all the boys in town.
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Now the following will help you achieve a TIER 3 status, which is 2 - 10k readers a day.
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6. Create a business (preferably at a very young age), make it real succesful and profitable, have people call you "asia's young entrepreneur of the year" and fall SOOOOOOOOOOOO in love with your girlfriend (who is preferably someone who works with one of your business partners)

This is the perfect example: http://www.timothytiah.blogspot.com/

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7. Transformation


You've seen Transformers right? So i dont need to explain whats transformation. Its like this -

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Make sure you join a talent hunt to get you some publicity. If you've already built some traffic on your blog, the better, than it gives the organizer pressure to eliminate you as he might wanna leverage your blog to generate some PR for his talent hunt contest.
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8. Be cute
Be cute, dress cute, look cute, pose cute, whatever you do, just look cute. So cute hungry lions will stop to stare at you (and not eat you up) before they walk away and look for something they dont mind not seeing anymore.
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Also try to use wtf alot and use cute expressions like T___T, WuWu, and stuff like that i really cant think of.
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For more cuteness, go to http://www.fourfeetnine.com/




9. Camwhore

It just really doesnt matter what people think of you, just pose like all the boys in the world will dump their girlfriends to touch you.





So there you go, 9 ways of how to be a top blogger in town. Good luck!
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6 comments:

fourfeetnine said...

WTF HHAHAHAHA KIU FA LOONG u too free isit? i got a lot of work to share wtf wtf

Anonymous said...

The next top 10 female blogger, fivefeetfive.blogspot.com...
not sure which way to pursue yet..
50% fourfeetnine, 50% kiu fa loong?? wakaka..

fourfeetnine: alot of work den stay back and work late late lar.. wakaka... 'chiong tao fat' one come n find u later..wakaka..

Boss Stewie said...

HAHA WUWU

Huai Bin said...

Haha! Wuwu is one of my favorite sounds, I know some people who does it. :)

jay said...

hahahha....cindy's one is so true....cracks me up!

anuarsalleh said...

This one kick rear ends! LOL..agree ;p